Back to school (Week 13)

“Hello, football league? Ron Martin here, we need to sign a new keeper as our reserve one is injured.”

“Ok, can you specify the injury?”

“oh, err…yes, he’s…erm…broken his….leg?”

“Broken leg, so he’ll be out for…”

 ”4 weeks. We need a 4 week loan. We want to bring in Malone from Wolves”

“4 weeks? for a broken leg? And Malone is a left back. Mr Martin, are you telling porky pies again?”

“Me? Tell lies? Why, I don’t think I’ve ever lied in my life. Oh god, my nose, it’s bloody grown again.”

#	Team	Manager	GW	TOT
1	The Cod Terrys	steve dadds	97	790
2	In Zola We Trust	Duncan Hall	115	764
3	Backspacers	James Falkingham	79	727
4	Rafa’s Rant	Paul Carpenter	60	719
5	Maccabi Slate	Andrew Roach	56	697
6	Your Nan	Jamie Forsyth	44	685
7	ihatethekaiserchiefs	Alexander Buka	72	684
8	Freed From Pizarro	Simon Adams	77	661
9	IAFOG UTD	Chris Campos	68	658
10	TEAM BACON	Owen Williams	49	657
11	Heathens	Martin Cass	58	657
12	Benfiquistadeptos	Pete Searles	60	649
13	AFC J’adore Dorian	Ed Beavan	75	639
14	Crouch Potato FC	Peter Cass	64	635
15	Cheap Medicine	James Derbyshire	67	632
16	Can do better	Stephen White	42	622
17	Too Orangy for Crows	Martin Drain	81	620
18	Starfish United	Paul Hewitt	32	616
19	Easts [BEANS]	graham eastty	46	615
20	Terry Wrist XI	Piers Hewitt	62	599
21	theweeguys	Paul Taylor	55	592
22	Je suis censuré!	Paul Forsyth	48	565
23	Team JB	Holly Eade	21	255

 

 

TEAM OF THE WEEK: In Zola We Trust (115)

 

FLUNK OF THE WEK: Team JB (21)

 

Good afternoon folks, and welcome to a Pete Searles fantasy football update. I know, I know, it’s not as good, and you can stop heckling at the back Daddsy. Cass should be back next week, unless he pretends he’s busy working again. And in any case, I definitely won’t mention cricket in this one. Apart from then…

 

Loved by Duncan Hall

Record breaking was the theme this week across Fantasy Football land, with Duncan Hall scoring an All At Sea highest ever weekly score of 115. And Duncan told FFU.tv that he’d purposely set out to break the record this week. “I was sat at home watching Challenge TV all weekend, and I thought about all the great programmes that should be on there. And then I thought - Record Breakers. It’s the biggest challenge of all. So I wrote to Challenge TV and asked to have it on. They didn’t respond so I sent another letter. And another. They just ignored me, so I went on hunger strike. I was doing really well, but then 6 minutes in I’d had 2 pints and really quite fancied some pork scratchings. But I’d made my point. They wrote back and told me to break a record myself and then they’d listen. So I put pictures of Roy Castle and that bird from Bucks Fizz all round the changing room, and then I got Kriss Akabusi in at Tottenham to do the half-time team talk. Well…if that doesn’t inspire you, nothing will. I bloody love Kris Akabusi. AWOOOOOOGA!”

 

Lessons in Spanish may have caused more problems than they solved.

Some 94 points behind was Holly Eade as flunk of the week, and she explained how her team’s plans were ruined in training. “After coming 3rd from last last week, I told the team we really needed to go back to school and learn the basics. So we had a great week of English, maths, a bit of geography which was a bit of a doss to be honest. To reward their hard work, we said we’d have a bring and tell on Friday.” However, the reward for the players quickly backfired on Team JB, as Brad Freidel explains. “It was great, you know, really fun. Bernard Mendy brought in his lego which we all had a bit of play with, and Fabregas brought in his Meccano. He’s building a car although, to be honest, it’s a bit rubbish, ROFL. But then Titus Bramble said he was an apiarist, and nobody knew what that was – we thought it was going to be made up so we let him have his go, and before we knew it he’d released a load of bees in the classroom. Who’d have thought Titus Bramble was a bee-keeper?” Disastrously, the bees had a taste for strikers, as Torres, Drogba and Johnson were all swarmed with bees, ruling them out of the weekend games. There was some consolation, though, as Andy Johnson did break the world record for the largest “beard of bees” in the process, earning him a place in the Guiness Book of Records. Congratulations Andy.

Searlesy

Thanks to Searlesy to a fabulous update. Normal service resumes next week.

Cassas

Shiver me Timbers its the Chuckle Brothers! (Week 12)

What do you mean people are blaming the player for cheating and not the referee for not spotting it? What the hell is going on?

Are we seriously asking players to be responsible for their own actions? Is that the kind of future we want for football?

Don’t we all want to see a world where only the match officials are responsible for our players’ indiscretions, our manager’s mistakes and our team’s shortcomings? Without them to blame we would all have to face up to the reality that our team isn’t the best in the world and that we don’t always get shite refs. Is that what we want!? Is it?

Vote NO on proposition rematch.  

•              All At Sea (ranked 13,441 out of 185,263)
#	Team	Manager	GW	TOT
1	The Cod Terrys	steve dadds	64	697
2	Rafa’s Rant	Paul Carpenter	49	659
3	In Zola We Trust	Duncan Hall	57	649
4	Backspacers	James Falkingham	65	648
5	Maccabi Slate	Andrew Roach	56	645
6	Your Nan	Jamie Forsyth	77	641
7	ihatethekaiserchiefs	Alexander Buka	43	612
8	TEAM BACON	Owen Williams	29	608
9	Heathens	Martin Cass	56	599
10	Benfiquistadeptos	Pete Searles	45	597
11	IAFOG UTD	Chris Campos	61	590
12	Freed From Pizarro	Simon Adams	54	588
13	Starfish United	Paul Hewitt	43	584
14	Can do better	Stephen White	49	580
15	Crouch Potato FC	Peter Cass	37	571
16	Easts [BEANS]	graham eastty	50	569
17	Cheap Medicine	James Derbyshire	58	565
18	AFC J’adore Dorian	Ed Beavan	31	564
19	Too Orangy for Crows	Martin Drain	49	539
20	theweeguys	Paul Taylor	58	537
21	Terry Wrist XI	Piers Hewitt	40	537
22	Je suis censuré!	Paul Forsyth	33	517
23	Team JB	Holly Eade	38	234

 

TEAM OF THE WEEK: Your Nan (77)

FLUNK OF THE WEEK: TEAM BACON (29)

Hello all, yes the international break is over and here is the long awaited fantasy football update to get you back in the mood.

Nobody seemed the least bit bothered that Mr Beard was in fact a cartoon character.

Jamie Forsyth put another award in his treasure trove after he saw his team pick up Team of the Week. The excellent form has been credited to a breakthrough training regime by a Mr Bobby Beard. With a wooden leg and a parrot on his shoulder B.Beard cut an impressive figure as he hosted a press conference to talk about his new technique “Avast me hearties! I’ve caaarrrm cross seven seas to whip these sorry lubbers into shape. When I saw these bilge rats I nearly lost me sea legs such a sorry sight were they. I had them up the riggin’, sweeping the deck and manning the sails to get these scurvies to be proper pirates men.” Mr Beard’s influence has extended to the training ground which has seen a radical overhaul with a full model ship being built in the club’s swimming pool, complete with a plank for any mutinous members of the squad. Under pressure from the press about the efficacy of such techniques manager Jamie Forsyth said despite the unusual methods the proof had been in the results; “He has come highly recommended by Arsene Wenger and if it’s good enough for Arrrrrsenal then it’s good enough for us” he countered. 

Warning: Not Suitable for Footballers

A team bonding exercise backfired this week as Owen Williams saw his promising start to the season take a turn for the worst. With the pantomime season upon us Williams thought it would make a great treat for the lads to go and see a good old panto starring the Chuckle Brothers. Clearly the experience did not have the desired effect with his team picking up their first Flunk of the Week. “How on earth could I have predicted what happened.” Asked an exasperated manager “I knew something was up the minute the game kicked off and traditional one twos became five sixes.” One fan described a typical interchange between Team Bacon players, “I heard Evra shout to Petrov when he was in possession “Man on!” to which Petrov responded “oh no there isn’t” and by the time the Evra had said “Oh yes there is” we had lost the ball. I must have seen this happen at least a dozen times.” Didier Drogba was quick to defend his team mates’ actions “What a lot of people don’t realise is that most of the players have never seen anything like that before. That show really moved us and really meant a lot to some of the players. There was this one scene where one of the Chuckle Brothers, Barry I think it was, no Paul, no Barry, anyway he said “to me” then Paul, or was it Barry, he said “to you” then Barry said “to me” and it just carried on like that. It was like poetry, ‘to me, to you’ is basically the underlining philosophy of football.”  

Cassas

For those of you that haven’t already you should check out the new All At Sea podcast.

If you haven’t seen Rocky this is going to go right over your head. (Week 11)

“Yeah Hi is that Newcastle United I just need to email Mike Ashley about something I need to thank him about and I need to check I have the right email address. Is it  SportsDirect.com@St James’ Park? …. No? …. Oh I see …. In which case I better just send him a bottle of something because now I owe him an even bigger debt of gratitude.”

• All At Sea (ranked 18,482 out of 184,547)

#	Team	Manager	GW	TOT
1	The Cod Terrys	steve dadds	69	633
2	Rafa’s Rant	Paul Carpenter	69	610
3	In Zola We Trust	Duncan Hall	61	596
4	Maccabi Slate	Andrew Roach	70	589
5	Backspacers	James Falkingham	62	583
6	TEAM BACON	Owen Williams	73	579
7	ihatethekaiserchiefs	Alexander Buka	80	569
8	Your Nan	Jamie Forsyth	75	564
9	Benfiquistadeptos	Pete Searles	62	552
10	Heathens	Martin Cass	52	543
11	Starfish United	Paul Hewitt	79	541
12	Freed From Pizarro	Simon Adams	82	538
13	Can do better	Stephen White	63	535
14	Crouch Potato FC	Peter Cass	60	534
15	AFC J’adore Dorian	Ed Beavan	53	533
16	IAFOG UTD	Chris Campos	65	529
17	Easts [BEANS]	graham eastty	55	519
18	Cheap Medicine	James Derbyshire	59	511
19	Terry Wrist XI	Piers Hewitt	74	497
20	Too Orangy for Crows	Martin Drain	42	490
21	Je suis censuré!	Paul Forsyth	52	484
22	theweeguys	Paul Taylor	35	479
23	Team JB	Holly Eade	49	196

TEAM OF THE WEEK: Freed From Pizarro (82)

FLUNK OF THE WEEK: theweeguys (35)

TEAM OF THE MONTH*: Maccabi Slate (173)

FLUNK OF THE MONTH*: Too Orangy for Crows (98)

*Team and Flunk of the month calculated from gameweeks 8-10

Hello folks and welcome to last week’s fantasy football update. What can I say? I’ve been busy and then ill. It sucks.

There’s been no stopping Andrew Roach’s Maccabi Slate this month after he saw his team cement their position in the upper reaches of the table with a well earned Team of the Month award. Andrew Roach has been working with legendary Hollywood director John G. Avildsen on a controversial new training regime and it would appear that it is paying dividends. “The players were all a little disheartened after the start to the season didn’t go quite as well as we hoped. We thought we were world beaters but it turned out we were the underdogs. That got me thinking about how in the movies the underdog always has a training montage and then becomes great so I drafted in the greatest training montage director in the world Mr Avildsen” The past few weeks have seen the players recording scenes of them running the streets of Philadelphia, kicking frozen pig’s heads and then getting over excited about reaching the entrance to the Philadelphia Museum of Art, all while listening to Gonna Fly Now. “The players are shown an edited version of themselves doing all this just before a game.” Revealed the manager. Results have clearly improved although the Fantasy Football Association have asked the club to explain their recent poor disiplinerary record and specifically the actions of Clinton Dempsey this Saturday, who was sent off after catching Jimmy Bullard with a sweet right hook in the 84^th minute.

Too Orangy for Crows manager Martin Drain insisted a deficit of luck was to blame for his side’s Flunk of the Month award. Too Orangy’s form had been erratic earlier on in the season but now it seems they can’t buy a result. “Our luck has run out” declared the worried manager. “We are a newly promoted side and we simply can’t afford to compete with the big teams. They all have the resources to purchase more luck than we can afford so we have to use ours sparingly. The past few weeks we have had to rely on rabbits feet and four leaf clovers but in truth they are no substitute for the real thing” The club later revealed that they are in negotiations with a voodoo man for a refinancing structure that would involve the sacrificing of small mammals in exchange for three fortuitous deflections and a couple of dubious off side calls. “It’s no penalty decision or 7 minutes of extra time but if we play our cards right we can make this bit of luck work for us.” Said a spokesman for the club.

A terrible end to an otherwise mundane fixture saw Paul Taylor’s theweeguys plummet to 22^nd place. It looked like they were heading for a decent result in their  home tie against Maccabi Slate when, with the game tied at 1-1 and destined to finish that way, theweeguys team started to head home one by one. “I’ve never seen anything like it in all my life” confessed rival manager Andrew Roach. It was after a poor corner for the home side that a few of the players simply turned from the play and left the stadium. “The lads wanted to avoid the traffic” declared manager Paul Taylor “It can be tough getting home on an evening and with the game at 1-1 a few of the lads figured there wasn’t really much point in hanging round, we weren’t really creating any chances and neither were they so they figured why stick about?” Fortunately most of the home fans were already half way to their cars to avoid the traffic so few people were around to witness the three goals in injury time to Maccabi Slate. A spokesman for the club later revealed that this sort of behavior will not be tolerated in the future. “It is a joke; if we all leave early then it just means the traffic is just as bad only earlier. There will be a note in the next program for fans and players to make sure they stagger their journeys.”

 

Play good football "Or Else"

Fed up with midtable mediocrity Simon Adams has taken full advantage of the looming holiday season to motivate his troops. Freed From Pizarro have had a frustrating season after a promising debut season last year. Finally things appear to be going right for the club after manager Simon Adams hit on an ingenious motivational tool. “I noticed that a few of the players were already getting excited about Christmas and so it was only natural that I would try to think of a way to use that to my advantage” he told AASFFU. William Gallas was only too keen to tell us more “We were all sat down when the gaffa said he had a big surprise for us. Then sure enough Father Christmas came through the door! We were all so excited, Darren Bent nearly wet himself. Santa made it very clear that if we didn’t play well then we would all go on the naughty list.” That the authenticity of the visitor has been questioned by some sceptical commentators is irrelevant, the efficacy of his visit is there for all to see and Simon Adams will be hoping that the players remain in Santa’s good books and consequently the fans’ for the rest of the season.

 

Ho Ho Ho.

Cassas

Don’t you mean administration? No. (Week 10)

You know what could be worse than supporting a club going into administration?

Watching badminton.

•              All At Sea (ranked 15,288 out of 183,285)
#	Team	Manager	GW	TOT
1	The Cod Terrys	steve dadds	45	564
2	Rafa’s Rant	Paul Carpenter	43	541
3	In Zola We Trust	Duncan Hall	67	539
4	Backspacers	James Falkingham	62	521
5	Maccabi Slate	Andrew Roach	46	519
6	TEAM BACON	Owen Williams	62	506
7	Heathens	Martin Cass	39	495
8	Benfiquistadeptos	Pete Searles	55	490
9	Your Nan	Jamie Forsyth	59	489
10	ihatethekaiserchiefs	Alexander Buka	45	489
11	AFC J’adore Dorian	Ed Beavan	61	480
12	Crouch Potato FC	Peter Cass	58	474
13	Can do better	Stephen White	35	472
14	Easts [BEANS]	graham eastty	40	464
15	IAFOG UTD	Chris Campos	43	464
16	Starfish United	Paul Hewitt	66	462
17	Freed From Pizarro	Simon Adams	49	456
18	Cheap Medicine	James Derbyshire	60	452
19	Too Orangy for Crows	Martin Drain	38	448
20	theweeguys	Paul Taylor	59	444
21	Je suis censuré!	Paul Forsyth	52	432
22	Terry Wrist XI	Piers Hewitt	31	423
23	Team JB	Holly Eade	52	147

TEAM OF THE WEEK: In Zola We Trust (67)

FLUNK OF THE WEEK: Terry Wrist XI (31)

Time for a serious temperament adjustment; welcome to fantasy football update.  

In Zola We Trust manager Duncan Hall has fended off calls to help out the manager for which his team owes its name. After picking up the team of the week award and climbing to third in the table Duncan was beset from calls from the claret and blue club to try to turn their ailing club around. Although Duncan was unavailable for comment on the story a club statement read ‘Duncan Hall remains in charge of In Zola We Trust, any references to other football clubs in name mean nothing in real life. We would not welcome any approaches for our manager, besides Duncan Hall has expressed to us that he doesn’t even like west ham he only supports them to annoy Piers, after all what other excuse could anyone have for supporting them?’ Duncan later flatly denied these allegations ‘I have been claret and blue from the day Piers has known me.’ He said.

Only slightly better than having fingers removed.

Terry Wrist XI have been placed into badministration after they picked up another Flunk of the Week award. Manager Piers Hewitt went to the extreme punishment of placing the entire team into badministration after he became utterly fed up of their poor performances. “Sometimes Fantasy Footballers don’t realise how good they have it playing football week in week out.” Said the furious manager. “I’m hoping that a week spent playing badminton will shock them into a decent performance.” Badministration has often been used as a punishment by managers to underperforming players but this is the first time in history that a manager has gone to the lengths of making the whole team play badminton. “Basically it is a bit like tennis only you have to hit something called a ‘cock’ which has feathers, specifically designed to make it travel through the air slower” explained captain Robbie Keane “I mean boring doesn’t come close to describing it. None of the lads are happy but if our performances start to improve then we will see this as a turning point” Despite complaints from the squad that a lack of proper training this week will only make matters worse manager Piers Hewitt is resolute. “They can’t get any worse; I don’t know what else to do. Its badminton for now and then failing that I’ll have to start chopping fingers off.”

Monthly awards next week, I haven’t forgotten I’ve just been busy wallowing in a pit of depression whenever I think about football. Kind of makes it hard to be funny. Ha Ha! We owe £660,000. Ha ha! We are going into administration. Ha Ha! The club have been lying to us. Ha Ha! We’re going to get 10 points taken from us and end up bottom. Hilarious.

Excuse me while I go cry tears of laughter. No wait those are just tears. I might go watch some badminton.

Cassas

Ooo Oooo Aaahh! (Week 9)

“You can all suck my dick” – Diego Maradona

 

•              All At Sea (ranked 14,242 out of 182,627)
#	Team	Manager	GW	TOT
1	The Cod Terrys	steve dadds	64	519
2	Rafa’s Rant	Paul Carpenter	62	498
3	In Zola We Trust	Duncan Hall	40	476
4	Maccabi Slate	Andrew Roach	47	473
5	Backspacers	James Falkingham	54	459
6	Heathens	Martin Cass	52	456
7	TEAM BACON	Owen Williams	45	444
8	ihatethekaiserchiefs	Alexander Buka	46	444
9	Can do better	Stephen White	52	437
10	Benfiquistadeptos	Pete Searles	45	435
11	Your Nan	Jamie Forsyth	46	430
12	Easts [BEANS]	graham eastty	54	424
13	IAFOG UTD	Chris Campos	58	421
14	AFC J’adore Dorian	Ed Beavan	65	419
15	Crouch Potato FC	Peter Cass	52	416
16	Freed From Pizarro	Simon Adams	64	411
17	Too Orangy for Crows	Martin Drain	30	410
18	Starfish United	Paul Hewitt	49	396
19	Terry Wrist XI	Piers Hewitt	49	396
20	Cheap Medicine	James Derbyshire	41	396
21	theweeguys	Paul Taylor	28	385
22	Je suis censuré!	Paul Forsyth	35	380
23	Team JB	Holly Eade	35	95

 

TEAM OF THE WEEK: AFC J’adore Dorian (65)

 

FLUNK OF THE WEEK: theweeguys (28)

 

Real life football is sometimes bad,

It can really make you mad,

Ron Martin just makes you want to swear and curse

When you’re chewing on SUFC

Don’t grumble

Give a whistle,

And this will help things turn out for the best,

For….

 

Always look to the fantasy football update.

 

Update, update, update, update update…

 

… on second thoughts this was a silly idea.

 

It was a disastrous week for manager Paul Taylor after a training exercise backfired and theweeguys suffered their first Flunk of the Week award. Theweeguys had hardly been setting the league alight in their premier AASFFL season and Paul Taylor was under the impression that a lack of attention and observation was letting the team down, a unique training exercise devised by the manager was put in place.

There he is.

“I remember these books from when I was a youngster, ‘Where’s Wally’, basically it was a picture book where there are these complex pictures with lots of people in them the object of the book was to study these pictures and locate a fella in red and white called Wally. I think the Americans call him ‘Waldo’, fascists.” Taylor explained. “I thought these made for great observational exercises. Despite the player’s initially taking hours to solve each puzzle by the end of the week most of them could find Wally within a few minutes. I was hoping that these skills learnt would translate to the players being able to spot a good pass quickly.” Unfortunately Taylor did not account for the players taking this exercise literally. “I’ve never seen anything like it” said one fan “As soon as the players kicked off they spent the entire time staring at the stands, then whenever they got the ball they started trying to pass it to this poor lad in the east stand with a red and white bobble hat on, it was farcical” The young supporter was kindly asked to remove his hat but the players just focused on another supporter with round glasses and red jumper. “We are in talks with the Fantasy Football Association to change our kit to red and white stripes” an official from the club said after the game.  

Elsewhere AFC J’adore Dorian finally had something to cheer about after they looked to start working themselves out of mid table mediocrity with a Team of the Week worthy performance. Manager Ed Beaven told us how he had been spending the past few months delving into complex mathematical theories and it was from this that he had an inspired idea.

Tactician?

“I started looking at chaos theory which studies the behavior of seemingly random complex dynamic systems, I was reading into this trying to predict how many different excuses Rafa Benitez could come up with when I stumbled across an interesting theory that dealt with order in infinite possibilities” Although Ed Beaven refused to give exact details of the revelation an expenses document ‘found’ revealed the club had recently purchased 10 monkeys and 10 typewriters. An insider said “I don’t know what he is doing but he spends ages looking through reams and reams of paper with nonsense typed on it. No one has the inclination to find out so long as his tactics are as good as they were last weekend”

Not all the news was good though, a spokesman for Monkeys are People Too (MAPT), has called for more transparency in the use of monkeys in sport. A recent statement from MAPT read; “OOO OOO AAAHHH OOO OOO OOO AAAHHH OOO OO OOOO” AFC J’adore Dorian have said negations with MAPT have proved ‘difficult’.

 

Cassas

North by North South (Week 8)

Predictions prior to England Game;

Peter Crouch will probably score a couple, press will say he never does it against the top international sides, he won’t start against Brazil.

Result

Peter Crouch scores a couple of goals, press say he never does it against the top international sides (despite never getting to start against them), and yeah I’m happy to stick by it, he won’t start against Brazil.

 

 

(or will he?)

 

•              All At Sea (ranked 22,605 out of 181,688)
#	Team	Manager	GW	TOT
1	The Cod Terrys	steve dadds	38	455
2	In Zola We Trust	Duncan Hall	30	436
3	Rafa’s Rant	Paul Carpenter	41	436
4	Maccabi Slate	Andrew Roach	80	426
5	Backspacers	James Falkingham	35	405
6	Heathens	Martin Cass	34	404
7	TEAM BACON	Owen Williams	40	399
8	ihatethekaiserchiefs	Alexander Buka	58	398
9	Benfiquistadeptos	Pete Searles	29	390
10	Can do better	Stephen White	67	389
11	Your Nan	Jamie Forsyth	52	384
12	Too Orangy for Crows	Martin Drain	30	380
13	Easts [BEANS]	graham eastty	62	370
14	Crouch Potato FC	Peter Cass	42	364
15	IAFOG UTD	Chris Campos	31	363
16	Cheap Medicine	James Derbyshire	33	363
17	AFC J’adore Dorian	Ed Beavan	32	358
18	theweeguys	Paul Taylor	31	357
19	Freed From Pizarro	Simon Adams	31	351
20	Starfish United	Paul Hewitt	47	347
21	Terry Wrist XI	Piers Hewitt	25	347
22	Je suis censuré!	Paul Forsyth	25	345
23	Team JB	Holly Eade	60	60

Team of the Week: Maccabi Slate (80)

Flunks of the Week: Terry Wrist XI and Je suis censuré! (25)

Greetings and salutations fantasy football folks. Apologies for the late update, later than a late entry into the All At Sea Fantasy Football League, so late it’s more like a history lesson. Only I won’t try to sleep with any of the students. (That’s going to go well over your heads if you didn’t go to my school)

I should probably start this update by welcoming our newest member to the fantasy football league…

The celebrations were heard around the town as Maccabi Slate flew up the table into 4^th place and picked up another Team of the Week award. Andrew Roach was nowhere to be seen though. It was thought the erratic manager was in Sheffield where he has been known to spend incoherent amounts of time wallowing in his delusion that he thinks he is a Northerner. Talking to FFU he said “Aye work 9 while 9 day in day ooot fa this cloob an aye get nooo credit from these southern fairies it’s despicable like, y’am gonna ‘ave to go home and take a relaxing barth… COUGH … baath” The team appeared to prosper in his absence, assistant manager Nigel Manuel Key stepped in and clearly the players appreciated the change. “Its not that there is anything wrong with the gaffer” said Giggs “It’s just what with his fake northern accent none of us can understand a word he is saying half the time.” Reports that the club are looking to bring in Paul Gascoigne as a translator were met with a muted response from the players a source inside the club revealed.

Flunks of the Week Terry Wrist XI and Je suis censuré! cited external influences for their teams shortcomings this week. The two managers fell victim to a scam which resulted in them sharing the wooden spoon award. The Pyramid scheme has long been the bane of many a football manager, also known as the upside-down Christmas Tree, hundreds of managers have flirted with the 1,2,3,4 tactic and hundreds have failed. It was thought this highly attacking formation had died out after it was proved by a leading sports points economist and world renowned sailor Captain List not to work in the long run. “The basic premise of the tactic is for the large number of attackers to support the single defender by scoring more goals than the defense concede.” He explained in his 1984 paper on the subject “The problem is that when other teams adopt a similar attacking approach it means that there simply isn’t enough goals at root level to support the system. You have to accept that there is only a finite amount of attackers and so eventually the goals dry up, the top get a great goal difference and the bottom clubs get flunk of the week.” Managers Piers Hewitt and Paul Forsyth went to the unprecedented lengths of hosting a joint press conference to warn other managers of the dangers “We were made to believe that if we invested in the pyramid scheme and convinced others to do so then we would benefit from more goals and higher attendances due to the exciting nature of our games” they said in a joint statement “A man came to us with a sure fire way of doing better in the fantasy football league and we leaped at the opportunity now we both look silly. We would like to take this opportunity to come out and say that the pyramid scheme doesn’t work.” Rumors that the pair would do anything to prove their worth at this level have been rife after it was revealed earlier in the week that Piers Hewitt was prepared to take silly bets on the likelihood of his team to finish in the top 5. It has also been suggested that Paul Forsyth was seen attempting to bribe an FFU journalist with alcohol so he would write something positive about his club, which is a fantastic club if I do say so.

…Oh yeah, welcome to the league Holly.

Cassas

Stat Whack!

As Martin said, Gameweek 6 saw Gameweek 5′s team and flunk of the week swap places. This has only happened once before. In week 15 of the inaugural Fantasy Football League season, Chris Campos’s JFGP Utd was flunk of the week with 24 points, whilst Pete Searles’s Shenfield Wednesday were team of the week with 82 points. In Gameweek 16, however, JFGP took the team of the week award with 71 points and Shenfield Wednesday were flunks with 23 points.

There have also been a number of teams who went from flunk of the week to team of the week, or vice versa, in successive gameweeks. These are:

Season 07-08

Vedder’s Inside Job – Flunk of the week Gameweek 1, Team of the week Gameweek 2.
Steveanoryxi – Flunk of the week Gameweek 4, Team of the Week Gameweek 5.
Destined4relegation – Team of the Week Gameweek 30, Flunk of the Week Gameweek 31.

Season 08/09

TBFODIA Utd – Team of the Week Gameweek 5, Flunk of the Week Gameweek 6.
Dynamo Twitch – Team of the Week Gameweek 8, Flunk of the Week Gameweek 9.
Get Stuck in Early – Flunk of the Week Gameweek 25, Team of the Week Gameweek 26, AND Team of the Week Gameweek 27, Flunk of the Week Gameweek 28.

Sticks and stones … (Week 7)

… may break your bones but calling Kuyt names will really hurt him.

· All At Sea (ranked 13,000 out of 178,729)
#	Team	Manager	GW	TOT
1	The Cod Terrys	steve dadds	75	417
2	In Zola We Trust	Duncan Hall	77	406
3	Rafa’s Rant	Paul Carpenter	71	395
4	Backspacers	James Falkingham	77	370
5	Heathens	Martin Cass	62	370
6	Benfiquistadeptos	Pete Searles	58	361
7	TEAM BACON	Owen Williams	49	359
8	Too Orangy for Crows	Martin Drain	78	350
9	Maccabi Slate	Andrew Roach	60	346
10	ihatethekaiserchiefs	Alexander Buka	61	340
11	IAFOG UTD	Chris Campos	65	336
12	Your Nan	Jamie Forsyth	59	332
13	Cheap Medicine	James Derbyshire	64	330
14	theweeguys	Paul Taylor	56	326
15	AFC J’adore Dorian	Ed Beavan	41	326
16	Crouch Potato FC	Peter Cass	52	326
17	Can do better	Stephen White	55	322
18	Terry Wrist XI	Piers Hewitt	39	322
19	Je suis censuré!	Paul Forsyth	53	320
20	Freed From Pizarro	Simon Adams	51	320
21	Easts [BEANS]	graham eastty	59	308
22	Starfish United	Paul Hewitt	67	300

 

TEAM OF THE WEEK: Too Orangy for Crows (78)

 

FLUNK OF THE WEEK: Terry Wrist XI (39)

 

TEAM OF THE MONTH: Rafa’s Rant (201)

 

FLUNK OF THE MONTH: Easts [BEANS] (136)

 

Hello all you fantasy football fans, sorry about the delay this week but I hope you’ll think it worth the wait.

 

An exceptional couple of weeks have seen Martin Drain turn his ailing side around, having been languishing in 21^st place after a terrible start to the season Too Orangy picked up their second Team of the Week award in a row. Players and fans alike seem mystified by this sudden turn around prompting conspiracy theories about the manager. “Just over a week ago we noticed that the gaffer seemed to have this strange transformation.” Said Shay Given “It started with him talking with a slight Scottish accent, then  he became more irritable than usual, would throw boots around when he was angry, became obsessed with red wine and brought in Michael ‘ooh me leg’ Owen for no reason anyone can fathom.” Martin Drain was unavailable for comment as he was busy taking in some horse racing. Despite the manager’s erratic behavior the proof has been in the pudding and the fans have been delighted with the recent turnaround. In completely unrelated other news Manchester United have announced that assistant manager Mike Phelan will now be taking all press conferences regardless of BBC’s involvement. A spokesman for the club said that Sir Alex Ferguson was simply too busy with ‘other projects’ to talk to the media.

 

A disastrous week for Piers Hewitt saw his side drop to 18^th and pick up their first flunk of the week award this season.

Dirk Kuyt

After a dreadful start to the season saw Terry Wrist XI drop to 21^st it appeared that Piers had managed to turn it around, and despite not posting any spectacular results he had seen his team pick themselves up and settle into mid table. Piers assured us this poor week was simply down to an incident that interrupted their usual training regime. “There was a bit of an issue with Kuyt and the other players. They were calling him Mr Potato Head and he didn’t take kindly to the banter. ‘I’m not Mr Potato head’ he kept saying but the players weren’t having any of it, then one of the youths ran up to him and took of one of his ears and replaced it with a different one and said ‘TOLD YOU’. Well that was the final straw. He grabbed the ball, said ‘fine if I’m Mr Potato head then you can’t play with my ball’ and then went home in a huff. It was his turn to bring the ball so that was that training session ruined and the result speaks for itself.”

 

 

 

 

After seeing his team get off to a terrible start to the month Graham Eastty thought that he had got the solution until another bad week saw his team pick up the Flunk of the Month award. “I was sure that communication was the problem” revealed Graham “Basically I can’t shout very loudly and so I find it difficult to get my message across to the players during the game. We looked into using a megaphone but they are banned under the potential flammable items act of 1997. Then I was watching television late one night and the answer was staring me in the face; sign language.” The past few weeks have seen the management staff and senior squad at Easts [BEANS] take up sign language lessons on top of their usual training sessions.

 

“Obviously we didn’t take to it at first” Rio Ferdinand told FFU “We all thought we would look ridiculous flailing our arms about. But once we started picking up the basics and using in training we really thought the gaffer was onto something. Unfortunately it wasn’t until the game that the system was really put to the test”

 

“I suffer from a condition called tempertantrumitus” said Graham Eastty “It’s a common condition in football managers that can manifest itself in a number of ways. With me I tend to stamp my feet and throw my arms around and ordinarily this wouldn’t be a problem. During the game we conceded a pointless corner and I had one of my turns. Unfortunately my tantrum was misread as instructions by the players and so they were all over the place for the corner. This made me get more annoyed and I had a full blown tantrum. By the time I had calmed down I had made three substitutions, switched my two central defenders with the wingers, had my captain sat down in the centre circle and my strikers rehearsing their goal celebrations. It was a disaster. I think we are going to have to experiment with other options, I was thinking Semaphore surely there is no way that could go wrong?”

 

Usain didn't give 111%

And finally Too Orangy’s exceptional recent form wasn’t enough to see off Rafa’s Rant for the Team of the Month award. Manager Paul Carpenter has seen his team perform consistently well over September and has been duly rewarded. Pundits and fans seem baffled by Rafa’s Rant’s sudden work rate. “It’s unbelievable.” Said one pundit “I’ve seen teams give 100%, some teams I’ve even seen give 110% but this is like they have found a whole new level of percentage not thought possible”

 

“People in the sports world have been talking about 111% for years but no-one has ever managed it before” said Sir Oliver Livingstone-Dampier Emeritus Professor of Sports History, Oxford “Recently it was thought that Usain Bolt had broken the 111% barrier but analysis of his performance revealed that he was only working at 110.2%” Manager Paul Carpenter was elusive about the recent rumors which did nothing to calm down the pandemonium. “I can’t confirm or deny what percentage we are working at but I will say my players are giving their all”.

Although recent footage of Rafa’s Rants games have been analysed by sports scientists results have been inconclusive, the report simply concluded that “Having never seen 111% before, we simply don’t know what to look for. Further tests are needed.”

Cassas

They drink it in the congo. – Week 6

“Hey! Chelsea! Leave those kids alone!”

Villa fans to the tune of Another Brick in the Wall

All At Sea (ranked 26,308 out of 176,522)
#	Team	Manager	GW	TOT
1	The Cod Terrys	steve dadds	41	342
2	In Zola We Trust	Duncan Hall	73	329
3	Rafa’s Rant	Paul Carpenter	67	324
4	TEAM BACON	Owen Williams	58	310
5	Heathens	Martin Cass	54	308
6	Benfiquistadeptos	Pete Searles	54	303
7	Backspacers	James Falkingham	64	293
8	Maccabi Slate	Andrew Roach	55	290
9	AFC J’adore Dorian	Ed Beavan	47	285
10	Terry Wrist XI	Piers Hewitt	64	283
11	ihatethekaiserchiefs	Alexander Buka	55	279
12	Crouch Potato FC	Peter Cass	50	274
13	Your Nan	Jamie Forsyth	51	273
14	Too Orangy for Crows	Martin Drain	79	272
15	IAFOG UTD	Chris Campos	43	271
16	theweeguys	Paul Taylor	59	270
17	Cheap Medicine	James Derbyshire	60	270
18	Freed From Pizarro	Simon Adams	61	269
19	Je suis censuré!	Paul Forsyth	59	267
20	Can do better	Stephen White	54	267
21	Easts [BEANS]	graham eastty	47	249
22	Starfish United	Paul Hewitt	50	233

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TEAM OF THE WEEK: Too Orangy for Crows (79)

FLUNK OF THE WEEK: The Cod Terrys (41)

Hello fantasy football addicts and welcome to your weekly fix of update goodness.

The refs discuss exactly how much extra time should be played so as not to upset Mark Hughes.

A bizarre change of fortune this week saw the team of the week become the flunk of the week and vice versa. Something which I don’t think has ever happened before in All At Sea Fantasy Football League history. Steve Dadds was quick to point the finger of blame at a controversial new two of them to every one of us refereeing scheme for his team’s sudden decline. This weekend saw the introduction of four linesmen, four goal line assistants, two penalty D adjudicators and the 11^th official to assist the referee with his decision making. “It was ridiculous” ranted Steve Dadds “We couldn’t get away with anything. Usually we’ll get the odd penalty and at least four or five offside decisions go our way but not with this new scheme, they spotted everything. Not one mistake, not one tug of the shirt, racist, homophobic or derogatory comment went unnoticed, not one trip, one lash out. Every little bit of gamesmanship I taught my players were picked up by at least one of the ref’s lackeys. Sometimes all of them.” Steve Dadds is now left with a selection headache after his team finished the game with only 5 players.

Scenes like this may become a thing of the past.

Meanwhile Too Orangy for Crows manager took his inspiration for an incredible week from an unlikely source. “I was listening to all the debate about the Adebayor incident and I suddenly hit on an idea” explained the manager “If players are responsible and can be held accountable for the actions of the crowd then I wondered if the reverse could also be true. What if instead of shouting abuse at the opposition and our own players every time they make a mistake the crowd actually cheers on the players?” As controversial and audacious as that sounds the Too Orangy manager put his theory into practice and handed out song sheets and one line shouting suggestions to the fans. “We all thought Drainy had finally lost it” said one fan “Asking us to cheer on the team like that when we’ve come here to point out the shortcomings and misgivings of a bunch of teenagers and make obscene remarks to a random group of people that happen to support or be in charge of the team we happen to be playing this week. If he wants crowds that cheer then he should go to the states or something” Despite these negative comments fans seemed to take to concept and soon they were cheering on their team and the results were spectacular with Too Orangy picking up a team of the week award as a result. Sceptics of the scheme have said that it will all be forgotten in next week’s derby when Too Orangy take on local rivals Letsee…soda…purple stuff…OH! SUNNY D in the Slogan’s cup.

Cassas

And the award for the best fantasy football update website goes to…

… All At Sea Update!

Thank you so much for this …

WTF?